I am Celebrating in Isolation!
Until last month, I had been suffering from a major and drawn out ‘episode’ of severe depression.
Episode seems too short a descriptive. It was like a box set, that just went on and on and on, with each season bringing absolutely no change and nothing new.
Consequently, celebrating has not been on the agenda, however much a small voice inside has begged and pleaded to know why the indefinable ‘magic’ of the universe and being alive, just wasn’t there anymore for me.
Persuading myself to go outside in spring/summer? No enjoyment of seasons at all.
Finished a gruelling task? Emotionally … nothing, zip. No satisfaction whatsoever.
Birthdays? Nothing. Apart from more disappointment that I am older still, and still ill.
Easter? I did not even notice it last year – did it happen?
Christmas? For two years, it just didn’t come ‘feeling-wise’ for me.
Btw I actually really love Christmas, and am normally a person who feels the ‘magic’ building from Autumn on. I love the songs, movies, wrapping presents, trees and foliage, and all the decorations!
My spirits lifted quite quickly at the end of February, and I have been tentatively stepping forward since then. Trying to make progress, but not too fast. Fast is dangerous for me, as I can swing from depressed to manic, which then becomes very intense for everyone else.
This weekend has been a bit of marker in my recovery. The follow events are the big milestones that happened.
- On Good Friday, I handed over my rental property to new tenants and that has gone very smoothly so far. They seem lovely, and also capable.
- In the last week, I have been slowly reconnecting with the friends from whom I have basically been ‘distancing’ myself from since I fell ill. We had a group Zoom call on Saturday, which was really fun, and has also left me with a kind of warm fuzzy feeling that is still present. I think its called ‘re-connection’!
- On Easter Sunday, I spent a few hours being ‘crafty’. Painting eggs for an Easter tree is something my sister and I used to do as kids, and only occasionally since. It has been ‘work’, but overall incredibly satisfying as its creative, produces an end result, sense of achievement and also is very festive. My home feels cosy, loved, and very Easter-y.
I am not sure of my plans for Easter Monday, but, I can guarantee I will be Staying at Home. Probably taking it easy and pottering around the house and garden. Watching a bit of TV or a film maybe. Or reading stuff on WordPress, and (a limited amount of) scrolling on social media.
All I can say, again, is how incredibly grateful I am for everything.
All the above events, my friends, my family, my houses, my cat, the technology that connects people at this strange time, and of course my returning health.
My heart feels very full of love and happiness this Easter. I would like to ‘beam’ this love out to everyone I know and anyone reading, especially those that may be in need of it!
(the Grateful Landlady)